I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
