I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
