I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
