Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
