Ambien. No doubt about it.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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