there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just googled if crying burns calories
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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