I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Edward fifth and chaser hands
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
