When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
