I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
