I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
