I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
