Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
