Michael Bay diarrhea
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
