Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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