k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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