i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize