After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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