So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
