This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
