I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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