Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
