I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
