I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
