i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize