either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
