Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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