I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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