you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
