It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
