SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
