i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
