piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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