We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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