In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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