she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
