I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
