booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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