it's like iHOP with fire
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
BRING THE BAGELS
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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