I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
