I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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