You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
