went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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