when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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