I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
