STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
