I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize