How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
