I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize