Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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