I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
