What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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