i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
