Your face is a jimmy john
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
