sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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