I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
