I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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