I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
