I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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