dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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