smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My breasts were aching with rage.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
