dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
