We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
